Mini-Meltdown

So... we started our Bible Study group back up last Tuesday. Last week, we learned a little about one another as our leader, Barbara stood by each one and told how she was connected with us. Most of us knew one another, but there were new faces among us. There were 30 women present, so you can imagine how long it took, but enjoyable. Needless to say, didn't have time for the intro to the book of Acts. Took care of the announcements and had a time of prayer. If you're looking for a good Bible Study, this is it. Barbara is an excellent teacher. It's sponsored by the YMCA, but we outgrew their facility. We were graciously invited to have it at one of our local churches. We've started our 4th year there.

Today was the 2nd day. While all along, trying to go about the business of helping out, for me, there's been this elephant in the room. I haven't spoken of it and neither has anyone else. I don't know if anyone else has noticed it. We go about our business as if it doesn't exist. To get weak in the knees and speak of it would initiate a flood of tears pouring out of me. I didn't want that. Just kept telling myself-- do as Kathy would do-- go on about the business of the Lord. AND SMILE!!! She's in a better place, she wouldn't come back if she could, she's not sick anymore, she's with us in spirit, she wouldn't want me to be sad. WELL THAT"S TOUGH!!! Because I AM sad, and I'm TIRED of smiling, while crying inside. And doggoneit! I miss her. I talked to her almost everyday. I might not see her all week, but I'd see her Sunday morning at church, and again at Bible Study. I'd see her smiling face, even when she was in pain. We'd save one another a place to sit. Do you remember being little girls and holding hands and giggling with your best friend?? Ya might say we were joined at the hip! Well, I must need a hip replacement now, because things just don't feel right. I must learn to walk by myself.

So, back to today....I guess I had stuffed these feelings down, but it's not like I haven't grieved for her AND cried!! It just hit me bad today, kind of by surprise. I thought I was finished grieving. I guess that's the way it is, some little something will trigger the emotion deep within. I have felt a sadness off and on, but today was different, and the floodgates were knocked down by the river of tears swelled up inside. Didn't know I had any tears left. One friend told me "I knew this was going to happen, I just didn't know when." And she knows from whence she speaks.

Now as I've said before, in another blog right after Kathy passed on...... I'm ok. I just give my feelings a voice. Maybe, I should have written sooner; might would have prevented the meltdown. Who knows??? It is what it is!! And I am who I am. And she is where she is.

Be my thoughts, be my words, just your love and grace be heard

be the actions, that I take,be expressions that I make.

be the very breath I breathe, be the life that flows thru me,

every moment of this day, O Lord I pray.

Just me, labeling as I see it.