Mini-Meltdown

So... we started our Bible Study group back up last Tuesday. Last week, we learned a little about one another as our leader, Barbara stood by each one and told how she was connected with us. Most of us knew one another, but there were new faces among us. There were 30 women present, so you can imagine how long it took, but enjoyable. Needless to say, didn't have time for the intro to the book of Acts. Took care of the announcements and had a time of prayer. If you're looking for a good Bible Study, this is it. Barbara is an excellent teacher. It's sponsored by the YMCA, but we outgrew their facility. We were graciously invited to have it at one of our local churches. We've started our 4th year there.

Today was the 2nd day. While all along, trying to go about the business of helping out, for me, there's been this elephant in the room. I haven't spoken of it and neither has anyone else. I don't know if anyone else has noticed it. We go about our business as if it doesn't exist. To get weak in the knees and speak of it would initiate a flood of tears pouring out of me. I didn't want that. Just kept telling myself-- do as Kathy would do-- go on about the business of the Lord. AND SMILE!!! She's in a better place, she wouldn't come back if she could, she's not sick anymore, she's with us in spirit, she wouldn't want me to be sad. WELL THAT"S TOUGH!!! Because I AM sad, and I'm TIRED of smiling, while crying inside. And doggoneit! I miss her. I talked to her almost everyday. I might not see her all week, but I'd see her Sunday morning at church, and again at Bible Study. I'd see her smiling face, even when she was in pain. We'd save one another a place to sit. Do you remember being little girls and holding hands and giggling with your best friend?? Ya might say we were joined at the hip! Well, I must need a hip replacement now, because things just don't feel right. I must learn to walk by myself.

So, back to today....I guess I had stuffed these feelings down, but it's not like I haven't grieved for her AND cried!! It just hit me bad today, kind of by surprise. I thought I was finished grieving. I guess that's the way it is, some little something will trigger the emotion deep within. I have felt a sadness off and on, but today was different, and the floodgates were knocked down by the river of tears swelled up inside. Didn't know I had any tears left. One friend told me "I knew this was going to happen, I just didn't know when." And she knows from whence she speaks.

Now as I've said before, in another blog right after Kathy passed on...... I'm ok. I just give my feelings a voice. Maybe, I should have written sooner; might would have prevented the meltdown. Who knows??? It is what it is!! And I am who I am. And she is where she is.

Be my thoughts, be my words, just your love and grace be heard

be the actions, that I take,be expressions that I make.

be the very breath I breathe, be the life that flows thru me,

every moment of this day, O Lord I pray.

Just me, labeling as I see it.

Divine Appointments, Gotta Love 'em

I have a sweet hairdresser. I can't do much with my hair because my arms get tired, so I go once a week for her to blow dry. It will keep for a week sleeping in a ponytail curled up. It's worth it to let her do it. She usually does it on Saturdays to have it fresh for church. I wash it and come to her wet at her convenience. Or IS it?? No sometimes she goes out of her way to accommodate my schedule.

For instance today.... I told her last Friday I would like to come in today, because I was going to visit my grandson. I usually call her the day of and see when it's best to come in. It only takes 15 minutes tops to do my hair. That is, if we could shut up!! Ha! Anyway, back to the story, so when I called her today, she had forgotten and had planned a 1/2 day off. Well, she went and had her time off and called me later to meet her at the shop. We ended up in a very serious talk about my last blog. Did I mention this sweetheart is a believer?? I explained to her all of these different options swimming around in my head. She was able to objectively see things a bit clearer than me. In the end I decided it was not my dilemma. It belonged to the family who was wounded, although, I was hurt, no actually WE were SHOCKED!! I will encourage them to confront the matter and will support them bodily and verbally.

There was a reason my hairdresser was not swamped with clients like she normally is. She had a divine appointment (with me). I'm so glad she chose to keep it. And what goes on in her shop, stays in her shop. Thank you my friend.

Well, I'm off to see my grandson, Jeremy for a few days. Unless God closes the door on my decision, we will address this next week, possibly.

Father God, thank you for putting things in place in your timing. Prepare the hearts of all involved and may you be at the very CENTER of it.

I see no other way to label this.