I Admit It!

Ok, this is a warning.... this is not a happy post. My heart is beating so fast... because I've just admitted to myself, I'm in depression. I know, I know....I do have a lot to be thankful for. Knowing this, kind of makes the depression worse. Shame on me, right? I have a wonderful, caring, compassionate husband of 40+ years, 3 fun to be with children and their families, a host of friends--past, present and beautiful parents and extended family. I just can't shake it.

I go thru all the motions of normal life, to make me feel normal, but there's just something missing.I can't seem to get past how wonderful my friend Kathy looked just a month before she passed away and how fast she went down. At her 70th birthday party, she didn't even look like the same person. A little had to do with the spa day her sister-in-law treated her to the morning of her party. It was a wonderful sweet thing to do for Kathy, because Kathy would have never in a million years, spend the money to fuss over her looks. The spa lady was given a message from Roy, not to make her up like a "clown". Well, she went overboard with that idea, because Kathy was pale, had no blush and very pale lipstick. Her hair was done up different than Kathy would have done, plus we had her wear this eye mask until she got in the house, which messed her hairdo up. She wore black and white shirt and shorts, when normally she would have worn something with color. And she sure wouldn't have worn shorts if she had known all those people were going to be there. Besides her physical looks, she was doing super bad physically. Even the Tuesday before that, I met them at Incredible Pizza, (right after her first oxygen was delivered) I took a picture of both of them walking together and Roy holding both portable tanks. As the week went on, the fluid was building up at a rapid speed, to where she could hardly sit up straight, let alone walk.

I know I will walk out of this eventually, but it's just a very numb feeling. I've been depressed before, but the other times, there was hope to look forward to. With this, she's gone, hope is gone. Not for her obviously, but for the ones left. Yeah, I know I have the assurance of seeing her in heaven, but that doesn't help in this life.

I can't get motivated to decorate for Christmas. It seems like such a chore. I wish I could blink my eyes and it be done. ha! good one, Libby!!

None of us wanted her to suffer, so our prayers were answered. The heart gave out before the cancer could literally destroy her body. I just didn't think it would be that quick. She had things she wanted and needed to say and do. She read her book of notes we presented her at her party, but she didn't get to spend the time to really absorb it all. Of course it was all about her, so she probably didn't want to get a swelled head with all the compliments. HA! I need to borrow the book and read it again. People wrote such wonderful things about her, to her and they were ALL TRUE!

I've heard silly talk (like who cares?) about whether Oprah and Gail are lesbians, because they share such a close friendship. I don't care one way or the other, I stopped watching her 3 years ago, but don't belittle friendships of this magnitude to a mere sex relationship. Women know!! I've had the privilege of some pretty amazing friendships, I wouldn't take anything for this experience. It just hurts like all get out when you lose that person.

Well, now that I've admitted it, I'm still going to go thru the motions of life. Nothing has changed with that, it's what we do. And I think, eventually I will walk out of this. Yes, I know, now there's only one set of footprints in the sand and they're not mine. I think I'll rest in that!

Just me labeling as I see it and admitting I don't always see clearly, sometimes it's cloudy!!