Mini-Meltdown

So... we started our Bible Study group back up last Tuesday. Last week, we learned a little about one another as our leader, Barbara stood by each one and told how she was connected with us. Most of us knew one another, but there were new faces among us. There were 30 women present, so you can imagine how long it took, but enjoyable. Needless to say, didn't have time for the intro to the book of Acts. Took care of the announcements and had a time of prayer. If you're looking for a good Bible Study, this is it. Barbara is an excellent teacher. It's sponsored by the YMCA, but we outgrew their facility. We were graciously invited to have it at one of our local churches. We've started our 4th year there.

Today was the 2nd day. While all along, trying to go about the business of helping out, for me, there's been this elephant in the room. I haven't spoken of it and neither has anyone else. I don't know if anyone else has noticed it. We go about our business as if it doesn't exist. To get weak in the knees and speak of it would initiate a flood of tears pouring out of me. I didn't want that. Just kept telling myself-- do as Kathy would do-- go on about the business of the Lord. AND SMILE!!! She's in a better place, she wouldn't come back if she could, she's not sick anymore, she's with us in spirit, she wouldn't want me to be sad. WELL THAT"S TOUGH!!! Because I AM sad, and I'm TIRED of smiling, while crying inside. And doggoneit! I miss her. I talked to her almost everyday. I might not see her all week, but I'd see her Sunday morning at church, and again at Bible Study. I'd see her smiling face, even when she was in pain. We'd save one another a place to sit. Do you remember being little girls and holding hands and giggling with your best friend?? Ya might say we were joined at the hip! Well, I must need a hip replacement now, because things just don't feel right. I must learn to walk by myself.

So, back to today....I guess I had stuffed these feelings down, but it's not like I haven't grieved for her AND cried!! It just hit me bad today, kind of by surprise. I thought I was finished grieving. I guess that's the way it is, some little something will trigger the emotion deep within. I have felt a sadness off and on, but today was different, and the floodgates were knocked down by the river of tears swelled up inside. Didn't know I had any tears left. One friend told me "I knew this was going to happen, I just didn't know when." And she knows from whence she speaks.

Now as I've said before, in another blog right after Kathy passed on...... I'm ok. I just give my feelings a voice. Maybe, I should have written sooner; might would have prevented the meltdown. Who knows??? It is what it is!! And I am who I am. And she is where she is.

Be my thoughts, be my words, just your love and grace be heard

be the actions, that I take,be expressions that I make.

be the very breath I breathe, be the life that flows thru me,

every moment of this day, O Lord I pray.

Just me, labeling as I see it.

Divine Appointments, Gotta Love 'em

I have a sweet hairdresser. I can't do much with my hair because my arms get tired, so I go once a week for her to blow dry. It will keep for a week sleeping in a ponytail curled up. It's worth it to let her do it. She usually does it on Saturdays to have it fresh for church. I wash it and come to her wet at her convenience. Or IS it?? No sometimes she goes out of her way to accommodate my schedule.

For instance today.... I told her last Friday I would like to come in today, because I was going to visit my grandson. I usually call her the day of and see when it's best to come in. It only takes 15 minutes tops to do my hair. That is, if we could shut up!! Ha! Anyway, back to the story, so when I called her today, she had forgotten and had planned a 1/2 day off. Well, she went and had her time off and called me later to meet her at the shop. We ended up in a very serious talk about my last blog. Did I mention this sweetheart is a believer?? I explained to her all of these different options swimming around in my head. She was able to objectively see things a bit clearer than me. In the end I decided it was not my dilemma. It belonged to the family who was wounded, although, I was hurt, no actually WE were SHOCKED!! I will encourage them to confront the matter and will support them bodily and verbally.

There was a reason my hairdresser was not swamped with clients like she normally is. She had a divine appointment (with me). I'm so glad she chose to keep it. And what goes on in her shop, stays in her shop. Thank you my friend.

Well, I'm off to see my grandson, Jeremy for a few days. Unless God closes the door on my decision, we will address this next week, possibly.

Father God, thank you for putting things in place in your timing. Prepare the hearts of all involved and may you be at the very CENTER of it.

I see no other way to label this.

The Applause of Heaven

I went home to visit my parents this weekend. When I leave to come back to my home, a cloud of sadness comes over me. It last for a couple of hours, as I'm driving. I'm thinking how I hate to leave, wishing I lived closer, wondering if this would be my last time to see them, and how sweet the visits are. Well, God must have gotten a hold of my thought life, because I started rejoicing for the time I DO have with them. It changed my whole outlook.

On the drive up and back, I listened to a new cd. The one special song I kept playing over and over is The Applause of Heaven. This is for Aunt Edna, Aunt Margie, Jean, Uncle Roy, Melanie, Gordon, Ken, Ed, Kathy and last but not least Bill. And these are just the latest of the saints who have left us for a while. The most important words go as follows:

when their race is over, this is what they'll hear

They will hear the applause of Heaven

Another crosses Jordan's chilly tide

They will see the host of Heaven

As they rise to celebrate the child

who faithfully walked every mile

to find the heavens stand up and applaud

as they run into the arms of God.

If this isn't enough to cheer one up. This is just what I needed. SOLITUDE! Driving to keep me captive in my truck for a 5 hour trip. The Lord really drilled the words to these songs in my heart, especially this one.

Thank you, Father, for my time with you this weekend. I'm sorry you had to hold me captive in my truck to straighten me out. Thank you for the teaching I heard this morning at my parents church. Thank you for the family you placed me in. Thank you for God fearing and God loving parents who directed me in the way I should go. Thank you for the patience and the unconditional love they gave me. Father, I ask a special blessing for the families of the ones listed above. Some have just recently lost their loved one. Give them peace and comfort to get thru the coming days and months. Give them wisdom for decisions being made in the absence of their loved one. Father you know what specifically touched me this morning in the teaching. Give me wisdom. Be my thoughts, be my words, just your love and grace be heard. In Jesus' name I pray.

This has been a great weekend in more ways than one. Labeling as I see it.

Good Times In The Midst of Grief

Can this be true? I say yes. I was able to spend a lot of quality time with Kathy. We were able to speak freely of our feelings about what we thought to be the coming months ahead. I was free to tell her what she had meant to me and the impact she's had on my life. She was always gracious in this way and was always honest in her thoughts. Most of this quality time was at Bible Camp and then when she was in MD Anderson. We talked about her going home and writing things in a notebook as she thought of things of importance. I guess God didn't deem it too important, because she never got the chance. She barely had enough time to plan her funeral service. I have also spent some quality time with Roy, Kristi, Karla, Tiffany and Kayli in the last month. Plus, I've gotten to know Tilda and Pearl (Roy's sisters). The laughter has comforted the tears we've shed. I have to remind myself I'm not family, but this is not a new thing. Kathy and Roy have always treated me like one of the family. And of course Kathy's brothers and their wives have followed their leading. I am especially grateful for this now as we grieve for the one we miss. Can't say we lost her, because we know where she is. We know we will see her again in a perfect setting.

Kristi went home to Tucson, this morning. She has been great company and help to Roy and to Kathy also when Kathy was still here. She'll be back next month and hopes to come once a month or so. Karla has also been a comfort and help to them and will continue to help her dad in anyway he needs help. Tilda and Pearl are also there for him in cooking up some meals and helping him clean out "a few things" (wink wink). Roy plans to stay in John's Sunday School class as Kristi went with him last week and Tilda plans on going tomorrow with him.

I got to enjoy and bring home to Wayne the famous breakfast tacos from Baytown that Kenneth and Fran brought out this morning. yum, yum!! Of course, as always, the fellowship was the best part.

I'm pretty sure Roy knows he is loved by many and will have help from any number of people at a moment's call. Speaking of call...Kristi helped him set the cell phone to activate by voice command. I'm sure now he knows (and if he doesn't I will bang him with a 2x4 until he gets it) that he is someone with or without Kathleen. If it had not been for him working hard all his life, Kathleen would not have been able to be the influence she has been in so many lives. She might would have been working fulltime..9-5. I feel the same about my husband. Kathleen and I both wanted to be stay-at-home moms and we were able to do that for the most important times in our children's lives. She was a worker bee in many ministries but only with the blessings of Roy. She would not have done the things she did had she not had the full support of Roy. It's the perfect picture of oneness. And speaking of Roy...he has done his own ministries behind the scenes..helping her with props, gifts, crafts and work around the church building itself.

Marty Blevins said it best.... It's hard to envision a world without Kathy Fuller in it. That's what I'm having the most trouble with. I will get past it because I know MY GOD SHALL SUPPLY ALL MY NEEDS. And besides, Kathy is with us in many ways by the example she led and we will carry on the work of our Lord with the memories of her encouraging words.

Father God, I feel so privileged to have been blessed with such a godly and loyal friend. You have made some pretty impressionable thumbprints from the conveyor belt of life on me, but the ones from Kathy are some of the most memorable and emotional. Thank you Lord God, you are so good to me.

Oh, and that thing I said a few times ago about being the last blog about Kathy.... yeah, that's probably not true, 'cause things just keep popping in my head and I have to label it when and as I see it.

Not Enough Words

This is the note I wrote for Kathy's Birthday Memory Book. She finished the book at home just a week before her entrance into Heaven. I'm so glad she did. They were some of the sweetest notes and tributes I've ever seen written to and about someone. That's no surprise to any of us, of course. She will be missed, but also envied!! She's in the presence of the ONE TRUE LIVING GOD.

There is no way I can fit all I want to say, in a note. I don't even know where to start. We met while attending a teaching seminar in Houston. I rode in your van while Mel Austin drove. Soon after, Sept. of '80, I began teaching 5th and 6th grade Pioneer Girls. It seems, we've been inseparable ever since. People always trying to figure out how we were related-- "you're mother- daughter?...sisters?...daughter-in-law,mother-in-law?...sisters-in-law?". We would always shake our head and say "no, just sisters-in-Christ". Remember this.."Hon, I don't where your momma is, but your Grandma is right in that cabin,there". Ha!..PRICELESS! To name a few other memories: our children's birthdays, cleaning houses together..I think you started cleaning with me in '84 to help me recoup from surgery, swimming in your backyard and eating your delicious grilled cheese sandwiches, Forest Glen Retreats with Pioneer Girls, made me and my family a part of your family for holidays when we weren't able to go home, Family Bible Camps with our kids and being counselors there, Family Bible Camp with NO kids and just being adults, good teaching from camp, Roundtop Ladies Retreats, "The SISTERS SONG SKIT" HA!, taking our turn with surgeries, children's weddings, birth of grandbabies, things that didn't break us--made us stronger. You have made me feel like I was a part of your family to the point I have to remind myself, I'm not. You've given me 3 brothers in doing so.(and their wives) I LOVE YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY AS IF THEY WERE MY OWN!!

HAPPY 70TH BIRTHDAY, MY DEAR PRECIOUS FRIEND!!!!

Happy Birthday, My Friend

This is a poem I wrote for Kathy's Birthday Memory Book. It's not perfect, but she was a perfect friend.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY FRIEND

Happy Birthday my friend

Where do I begin?

People guessed I'm your daughter,

sister, or some kind of in-law

Nope, all I am is a friend in awe!

You amaze me, dear friend

with all that you do.

Your smile, spirit, fairness, compassion

just to name a few

We've been thru alot

some good and some not

Our friendship has grown like a

well watered garden

With tears as the water

and Laughter as the food

Our friendship has flourished

and is now in full bloom

With likes, but with differences

We've learned from our strengths

and accepted our weaknesses

Not a friend can one find

for the mold has been broken

There is none better than

this friend of mine

Critiquing the Program

Kathy and I would always critique the program that had just taken place. Be it the Pioneer Club Award Night, the Pal Party, the Father-Daughter night, we could always find mistakes we'd made. Some big, some not so big. The critiquing carries on without her, so here goes........

I have been sitting here thinking and the true words to part of the song came to me as clear as a bell ringing. Why couldn't this have happened BEFORE her service?? It was no where to be found on the Pioneer Club website, in fact, no history at all. Shame on them!

We are pioneers for Jesus, we're looking unto Him

We believe His Word and we trust the Lord

With a faith that will not dim

AND WE WILL TELL THE WORLD ABOUT OUR SAVIOR

HIS WONDROUS GRACE, PROCLAIM!

So let the praises ring, and loud the voices sing

And GLORIFY HIS NAME!!

This is a perfect close, don't ya think? The way I see it, anyway. So goes the labeling!